


Mindfulness

by Wrespawn



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Abuse, Armchair Therapy, Bad Ending, Captivity, Dissociation, M/M, Stockholm Syndrome, how many alarm bells can I attach to this fic, it's worse than you think it is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:54:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28069638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wrespawn/pseuds/Wrespawn
Summary: Jeremy tries and fails to figure out what’s going on in Ryan’s head.  In fact, he’s barely keeping up with his own head.Kept verse with captive!Jeremy and asshole!Ryan.Warnings: Rape, HEAVY dissociation, “therapy” that isn’t quite right (but also isn’t abusive), references to knife violence, Stockholm syndrome, discussions of romantic love in a horror context, a victim knowing that they’re being abused but having a hard time articulating it, deliberately disorienting narrative structure.  There is nothing romanticized about this story and it gets deep into the head of someone being sexually abused.  There is no closure or resolution at the end of this story.Here there be dragons.
Relationships: Jeremy Dooley/Ryan Haywood
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	Mindfulness

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't a version of kept verse that I'll be writing often, but I really needed to get this one out of my system.
> 
> If you skimmed over the warnings, do me a big favor and read them for real.

Someone had put a lot of thought into designing this room. It was small, clean and minimalist without being sterile, furnished with highly coordinated clutter. Potted plants and placid abstract art sat among books and fidget toys, little sensory anchors to hold him in the room.

Nothing was more put together than Dr. Trevor Collins. He sat in a simple white chair with a notepad perched on his crossed legs. “Take a seat, Jeremy.”

Jeremy sat down in the one vacant chair. It had a fabric seat, comfortable, but not the type of comfort that invited you to doze off. Jeremy was grateful for that.

Trevor’s pen hovered over his notepad, ready to transcribe Jeremy’s traumas. “Why don’t you tell me why you’re here.”

“I…” Jeremy cleared his throat. “I need to talk about Ryan.”

“The man who kidnapped you?”

“Yeah. That’s the one.”

_It started with something almost like holding hands._

_Jeremy could feel the sexual need on Ryan’s breath even before their hands touched. Gently, as though teaching him something, Ryan guided Jeremy’s hand onto the front of his jeans. Onto his erection._

“I need to talk about the sex,” Jeremy said.

The bluntness of the statement didn’t phase Trevor. He nodded thoughtfully. “Yes, you’ve mentioned there was a sexual facet to your captivity.”

_Ryan was unzipping Jeremy’s pants, unwrapping a gift that wasn’t for him. Jeremy kept his hand where Ryan had placed it, not daring to pull away. When his jeans were dragged down, hungry hands closing over his ass, Jeremy could feel the twitch through Ryan’s jeans._

“It scared the shit out of me, the first time I realized he wanted to fuck me.” Jeremy rubbed his arm. “I mean, at that point I already knew he was… fucked up. Dangerous. Having the attention of a man like that is…”

_Ryan didn’t want Jeremy’s body to be his property. You can’t trespass on your own property, and trespass was what Ryan craved. One hand squeezed and spread Jeremy’s ass, the other pressing fingers at his hole, all just moments after approaching him. Jeremy’s breath stuck in his throat. His face was burning, but he hadn’t taken his hand off Ryan’s dick._

“Every touch is a threat.” Jeremy stacked the words like blocks, trying to build something. “Even when he’s gentle, he’s a living weapon. I’m always scared I’m gonna brush the trigger.”

“You’re feeling poetic today,” Trevor mused.

“Dunno. I guess metaphor helps.” Jeremy swallowed. “He makes me do things. Makes me participate. All he has to do is suggest it and I… you can’t say no to a gun.”

_It was two fingers, middle and index, rubbing and pressing at his hole as though they just liked the texture of it. Ryan’s other hand grabbed Jeremy’s jaw, fingers pressing at his lips as if it was no different. Startled noises slipped out around Ryan’s fingers as they probed into Jeremy’s mouth._

_“You look good like that,” Ryan murmured._

_The fingers slipped out of Jeremy’s mouth, and Ryan replaced them with his tongue._

“You don’t have to justify your lack of consent, Jeremy.”

Jeremy let out a long breath. He nodded, trying to internalize the idea. “At first I assumed… you know, that he was just gonna shove his cock in me all the time. Treat me like a fleshlight.”

“And did he?” Trevor asked.

“Well yes, but…” Jeremy rubbed a hand over his face. “But also not.”

_Ryan was a distorting presence, the gravity of danger sucking all of Jeremy’s senses into a void. Smell and taste was reduced to the specific notes of one human, sound was a spectrum of breath and groans. Touch was… harder to document. There was no longer denim against Jeremy’s palm, there was something warmer._

_Even though Jeremy could barely sense the room, he could tell that Ryan was walking him back towards the bed. He could feel heat radiating from it like a fire._

“At least if I was just a piece of meat to him, he’d only use me for one thing,” Jeremy rambled quickly.

Trevor had an impressive ability to sound stern and comforting at the same time. “Be kind to yourself, Jeremy. You don’t deserve abuse, no matter what form it takes.”

“I… I just want to make _sense_ of it. I don’t get him.”

_Clothes were disappearing every time Jeremy looked away for a moment. Ryan’s hands were on his bare chest. He was allowing Ryan to push him down onto the bed._

“He’s— he’s an _asshole_ to me.” Jeremy said the words harshly, as if that would make them stick. “He hurts me and gets off on it. He tells me that he likes seeing me cry, seeing me scared. But…”

Trevor paused in his note-taking. “But?”

“But that’s not… _all_ he does.”

_Jeremy’s moan was swallowed in the kiss as Ryan’s hand stroked down his cock. The bed was soft under him and Ryan was warm over him. There was nothing hurried or harsh about the way that Ryan’s fingers mapped out every vein on Jeremy’s shaft, sculpted the curves of the head._

_The kiss left Jeremy’s mouth in favor of his neck. Then his chest. Then his belly._

“Sometimes he just gets so… so…”

“Gentle?” Trevor offered.

“Not just gentle. Passionate.”

_Ryan’s groan was muffled by Jeremy’s thighs. His hands were wandering like sightseers who didn’t mind getting lost in a gorgeous landscape. The kisses that he trailed over Jeremy’s body were soft, but never chaste: pure hedonism in every caress. He wasn’t in a rush. Roaming itself seemed to be his destination._

“He makes me like it.” Jeremy’s breath was getting quicker. “He goes out of his way to make it feel good, to make sure I get off. Even when he’s just gonna bend me over and fuck me, he makes sure it doesn’t hurt. I-I don’t know why. He’s a sadist, shouldn’t he prefer hurting me?”

Trevor shrugged. “Do you wish he’d hurt you?”

“No, god, I’m terrified of that every second, but— shit, I don’t know, at least it would be easier to process.”

“Maybe that’s why he’d rather make you feel good.”

_The spiraling path of Ryan’s lips and tongue eventually led to Jeremy’s cock. He groaned as he kissed along the shaft, sucked the head into his mouth. Then he sunk his mouth lower and lower until he couldn’t groan anymore._

_Jeremy wondered if he trembled harder under Ryan’s mouth or his knife._

“It’s not because he cares about me,” Jeremy insisted.

Trevor sighed. “No, I agree that seems rather unlikely.”

“When I say he makes me like it, I mean— that doesn’t mean he’s treating me _right_.”

“I believe you.”

“When he’s fucking me, I-I feel— confused and scared and violated. And—” Jeremy paused, pressing a hand over his mouth.

A rare show of emotion made an appearance on Trevor’s calm expression. “Don’t push yourself, Jeremy. You can take your time.”

“I just…” Jeremy whispered through his hand. “When he makes me come, he gives me the same look as when he makes me bleed. What’s he feeling _?_ ”

_Ryan could have spread Jeremy’s legs by force, shoved them against his chest and pinned them there. Instead, he groaned a command._

_“Show me.”_

_Jeremy looked away. He pulled his legs back in obedience. He averted his own gaze, but it was Ryan’s gaze he wished he could turn away._

_He could tell there was nowhere else Ryan would rather look right now._

_Ryan slid his hands up Jeremy’s shaking thighs. He breathed two words, spiritual reverence married with gluttonous indulgence. “Good boy.”_

“I want to caution you, Jeremy.” There was no judgement in Trevor’s voice, only concern. “Speculating into Ryan’s motives is unlikely to bring you concrete answers. It can only ever be speculation, after all.”

Jeremy leaned his face into his hands, letting them slide up onto his head. “What am I supposed to do? _Not_ wonder? Not sit here and ask myself what the fuck? I can’t just pretend it’s not happening.”

“Of course not, Jeremy. Separating from reality doesn’t bring any closure.”

_The journey of Ryan’s tongue was just as languid as before, but notably less meandering. Jeremy kept his knees hugged to his chest as Ryan’s mouth moved over his balls by increments of millimeters. Ryan’s groans were a low rumble that moved down and down until he could slide his tongue inside._

_This kiss was just as deep and hungry as the one he’d placed on Jeremy’s lips. Jeremy’s legs trembled against his chest._

“There’s a part of it that I don’t know how to describe. Something that I don’t think anyone would understand.”

Trevor shifted his notepad on his crossed legs. “It’s my job to understand. Try me.”

“The way he touches me, talks to me, sometimes I—“ Jeremy swallowed. For some reason, this was the part that was embarrassing to admit. “I wonder if he thinks we’re in love. I wonder if this is what love means to him.”

“Love? That’s not a word you’ve used to describe him before.”

“Sometimes he looks at me like… like he can’t believe how happy I make him.”

_Ryan’s lips were back on Jeremy’s lips almost before they had left their previous fixation. Time folded on itself so as not to deny Ryan a moment of tasting Jeremy. He pulled away only an inch, only to groan words._

_“God, I want you.”_

Trevor tapped his pen against his chin. “Do you think you love him too?”

“I…”

_“You’re eager,” Ryan chuckled._

_Legs were a paradox. Built for moving, yet all that Jeremy’s legs ever did was render him helpless. They didn’t run, they only spread. He was trying to spread them right now, trying to let Ryan between them, but Ryan was pushing them back to the mattress. It was a paradox, how he still felt like his legs were spread when Ryan straddled him._

_“I want something else tonight.” Ryan reached between their bodies, wrapping his hand around Jeremy’s cock, guiding it. “And you’re already prepped.”_

“It’s not that kind of love,” Jeremy said flatly.

Trevor crossed his hands on his notepad. “No, of course not. As we’ve discussed, his actions aren’t the actions of someone who cares for you.”

“But it’s love to _him._ Or it’s— it’s _something_ to him, anyway. I can feel it when I’m near him, it radiates. And sometimes I… I almost feel like I can touch it.”

_Perhaps this part of Ryan’s body should have felt less dangerous._

_Ryan must have added lube at some point. Everything was nice and slick when Jeremy pressed against him, cock nudging against tight heat. It should have felt vulnerable, receptive. But it wasn’t in Ryan’s nature to be anything other than dangerous._

_Jeremy sucked in a gasp, a sound indistinguishable from fear, when he felt Ryan start to stretch around him._

_It was surreal to see a twitch of pain on Ryan’s face. The patience that he always extended to Jeremy, the careful prep and leisurely pace, were not luxuries he afforded himself. For the first time, he was in a rush to get somewhere._

_“Oh fuck…” His breath hitched as the head slipped inside. “Mmmh, god, that’s nice and thick…”_

_Like the rising tide swallowing the beach, Ryan enveloped him._

“Jeremy, I can’t help but notice something.”

Jeremy blinked rapidly. The perfectly-composed room snapped back into place. Tidy furniture, placid modern art. Not too many potted plants this time.

This time?

Trevor was tapping his pen thoughtfully against his notepad. “Throughout this entire session, you’ve spoken of Ryan in the present tense, not the past tense. You talk about what he _does_ to you, not what he _did_ to you. Why is that?”

The question froze Jeremy in his seat.

_It was something almost like holding hands, symmetry, time folding on itself like paper, a Rorschach test. Ryan took Jeremy’s wrist as though to teach him something and guided it onto his twitching cock. Throbbing in time with Jeremy pumping inside him._

Trevor set his pen down on his notepad. “I’m sorry, Jeremy, but you can’t avoid the question forever.”

_Hot breath washed against his neck. A deeper heat was wrapped around his cock, sliding up and down, squeezing. Jeremy couldn’t tell his breath apart from Ryan’s. His hand was moving._

Jeremy’s mouth was dry. Trevor’s question hung in the air. The answer was on Jeremy’s tongue, demanding a voice. 

“Because I’m not really here.” The words felt distant. “I’m not in a therapist’s office right now. I’m with Ryan.”

_Ryan’s mouth was hot on his neck, sucking heat to the surface. For just a moment, the kiss became teeth as Ryan’s whole body went tense and he snarled against Jeremy’s neck, as though the moment of climax would not permit any softening of his nature. Jeremy’s gasp of pain was lost amid gasps of need._

_There were warm splatters on his belly. Another Rorschach test. It was hard to say what shapes he saw there._

Trevor nodded. “I’m afraid you’re right. Unfortunately, the fact that I’m not real means my abilities as a therapist are limited.” He glanced around the small room. “I like the decor you’ve chosen this time. Less ‘casual office,’ more… what would you call these little touchy things?”

“I thought the stim toys might help,” Jeremy mumbled. “You know. Keep me here.”

“Mm, sensory anchors don’t work so well when they’re not real.”

“Yeah. Should have seen that coming.”

“Might have also helped if you picked one up.”

“Then I would have realized they’re not real.”

_“Nnnh, yes…” Ryan’s voice was rough, primal pleasure eroding his ability to form words. His hand cupped Jeremy’s neck, thumb pressing under his jaw, compressing the windpipe. “I wanna feel you come.”_

“Did it make you feel better?” Trevor asked. “Visiting me?”

Jeremy licked his lips. “I-I don’t know.”

“Well…” Trevor’s attention drifted back to his notepad. “I won’t keep you any longer. He’s waiting for you.”

“I-I—“

“I’m afraid that’s all the time we have for today, Jeremy.”

_“Aah—!“_

_Shockwaves rippled down his body, more violent than anything Ryan had done to him that night. Ryan’s tongue slid up Jeremy’s throat, tasting his cries before they spilled out of him. Instinct jolted down Jeremy’s spine and thighs, yanking him into hot thrusts. Ryan had left teethmarks on his neck, but Jeremy was leaving bruises on Ryan’s hips._

_“G-good boy—” Ryan’s breath hitched as Jeremy’s hips jerked, probing deeper for the next gush. “Nnh, yeah, that’s it…”_

_Jeremy’s hands trembled, keeping Ryan’s ass pinned against his hips as he said the one word he wasn’t supposed to say._

_“Y-yes, yes yes yes oh fuck yes…”_

_Hot pleasure melted into a syrupy sedative. Gravity doubled, pulling Jeremy down into the mattress, but somehow it didn’t pull his hands off of Ryan’s ass._

_“Mmmmh…” Affection burned in Ryan’s voice, his face nuzzled into the crook of Jeremy’s neck. “That feel good?”_

_There was no lying this soon after orgasm. Jeremy’s voice was hazy. “Yeah, fuck…”_

_He was still buried to the balls, keeping everything plugged inside. No Rorschach test this time. No psychoanalysis. Just sweaty heat and the sound of breath. His eyelids fluttered as Ryan kissed his neck again, soothing the bite marks._

_Pulling out didn’t feel like a separation. Ryan’s whole body remained pressed against him, hands sliding over him, settling close beside him. He was flushed with heat and damp with sweat, heavy and comforting. Ryan sounded so satisfied, so content, as if the sex had brought him spiritual wholeness. There was something infectious about that, a languid glow that soaked through Jeremy’s bare skin._

_The bedroom fell into a strange silence._

_Time crystalized like salt from evaporating sea water. Suddenly, there was no fluid rush, no ebb and flow, just solid cubic moments one after another. Each heartbeat was equidistant. Jeremy stared at the ceiling. He could hear Ryan’s breath, now soft and steady with sleep._

Someone had put a lot of thought into designing this room.

It was simple, tidy, but soft. There was a lit candle flickering on a table. Jeremy watched the fire as he stepped through the door. Restless movement tugged on the little flame, filling the air with a soft smell of heated wax. Entropy, composed.

Nothing was more composed than Dr. Trevor Collins. He gestured to the vacant chair. “Have a seat, Jeremy.”

Jeremy sat down. The chair was wood, but strangely comfortable.

“Why don’t you tell me why you’re here.”

Jeremy rested his arms on his knees, avoiding Trevor’s gaze. “I… I need to talk about Ryan.”

“The man you have feelings for?”

“Yeah.” Jeremy’s eyes were lost in the carpeted floor. “That’s the one.”


End file.
